Does it seem to anyone else that sincerity is often over-looked? or that we are at least so accustomed to the insecurities, dishonesty and lack-of depth by folks that we have come to question whether it exists at all? Lately I keep finding myself painfully aware of others (and my own!) ‘angles’ into social situations. It seems excusable and natural, even understandable that we need to work a situation to obtain what we want or need sometimes, but still… I absolutely hate it. I think I hate more, being aware of it. That sense of distrust is distracting to me, feeling as if people are being deceitful or dishonest when they are simply acting on human err.
I told a newer-friend last night that I loved them as I was saying goodbye, and as I said it I FELT how much I loved them, enough to want to proclaim it out loud. But the second it came from my mouth, it occurred to me how shallow it could have seemed, taking into account the characters and personalities of the people we know combined with the fact that I was walking away as I said it. And even though I know they understand who I am and how important sincerity is to me, I still found myself turning around and solidifying my expression by adding, “I mean it when I say that.” …In case they doubted.
How disappointing that I felt the need to defend myself, to clarify. This of course isn’t the first time it’s happened, and not the only situation I have felt the need to be sure others understand my level of commitment of genuine passion about anything. But I can’t entirely blame everyone else for my urgency to do that, and maybe it’s because too often the insincere one is really just me.
As I grow older though, sincerity becomes increasingly important. Gone are the years (as great as they were) where parties meant having 70 of my “friends” over a few times a month, or being friends meant I was someone else’s bestie but truly they were never on the forefront of my mind until they made themselves known. I used to live to see people happy, because that was where I found fulfillment…and I think that was a fine way to live, for a time. I enjoyed creating circumstances for people to make acquaintance with one another, because through so doing I learned more about love and about myself and the nature of people.
But, as is imminent, people move on and so do I. After a fit of confusing and empty loneliness (all the while being surrounded by the masses), I transitioned into a place where I recognized my thirst and hunger for intimacy, a wish to be understood and to truly know the hearts of people. A place where friendship means time and depth and mutual affection; where trust outweighs embarrassment, and humility would wrought honest exposure.
I wonder if that will happen every so often in our lives. Waves of time where we lose perspective of what’s important to us, followed by a crash on the shoreline when we learn to make everything become real all over again. Even if that is the way it turns out, I wouldn’t trade that experience in for anything, because I think it has been at my most vulnerable instances during which I have been gifted the most significant of treasures: True Love.
So maybe I can’t say that I have experienced love in its most refined form, but I know I have truly loved…and that only excites me more about the future. Tra la la la -la la la laaaaa.
In celebration of this sunny day and the nearness of Spring, here is a pretty photo of a pretty place on a pretty day.
Seattle-ish.
