I was reading a great book last night, and ended up staying awake later than I ought to have. I had been hearing the wind blow heavily for some time, so when flashes of light kept peeking through my blinds I thought it would be a great time to enjoy the storm.
Once the window and blinds were open and the lights off, I laid in bed waiting for the next roll of thunder. Films can do a great job of mimicking sound and experience, but when it comes to a desert-in-the-valley-thunderstorm nothing is quite comparable with the way my house shakes…or how my chest tightens when the thunder flashes.
So there I was, at 2:30 AM, listening to the thunder rumble, rumble, rumble. And then rain started coming, sometimes in short, heavy spurts, but finally in sheets. In between flashes of memory of other thunderstorms I had enjoyed, I realized how lonely it felt…to think I could be the only one awake to enjoy it. And the reality is I probably wasn’t, but there were no cars on the streets and the lights in all the houses surrounding me were off, hinting to the fact that it was likely everyone else was fast asleep in their beds. How many of these storms had I slept through? I will never know.
I spent the last 3 weeks somewhere else, away from my home…and I stayed busy so there wasn’t much chance to miss being here. When I returned this last week everything felt just as I had left it for the most part, so I was able to quickly return to my routines and schedule. But as the last few days have passed, some of the pieces just didn’t fit. The weather was cold and there is snow on the mountains, when I had left it still felt like summer. When did this happen? Apparently there were a million things that occurred while I was gone and had no idea about, simply because I wasn’t here. When friends were sharing an event with me, I kept thinking “where on earth was I?” I have been feeling as if I went to sleep one day, and woke up the next, not realizing that the dream I had in the night was in actuality nearly a months worth of time, during which we all lived our lives, our hair grew longer, we developed new relationships and strengthened old ones…
It feels a bit like a black hole I need to fill. Although I know its not. But that feels lonely, too, thinking that I lived a life so distant from everyone, somewhat alone and independently of the people I normally share my life with. I remember the short weekends I used to take years ago to visit my friends and family in the NW. They were never longer than 3.5 days, 24 hours of which were spent driving (12 each direction). I was always anxious to return to Utah because I felt like I would lose something if I didn’t hurry home in a flash…and I would feel guilty for that. I should have been able to spend time with the people I love, undistracted. I would try and push the fear out of my mind, thinking…”pssshhhh… It’s only for a few days, what is there to lose, really? “
The pitiful part is that when I did return home from two of those three trips, after being gone only a few days, I had lost my place in someone’s life. And this is how the superstition started. Because it was a superstition, I sought to fight it. I would leave town unattached, so as not to have anything to fear losing. But then it had been a while since I left town, until this past summer. I finally took a few short trips, both times during which that superstition would creep and whisper at me from the back of my mind, but nothing ever changed while I was gone. It wasn’t until I returned home from this last one that I realized I think it had finally happened again, but the good news is that I can’t blame it upon being out of town. It likely would have happened anyway…in fact, it seems it was on it’s way out long before I left. And while I was gone, I was preoccupied so there wasn’t a minute that I was ready to return home or anxious to get back into the swing of things. Superstition officially conquered.
And these are the things I was considering in the middle of the night. Suddenly remembering you and wondering where you were, and what you had been doing. Were you laying awake listening to the rain outside your window? What you could be thinking about at this hour? Were you enjoying the moment? Were you sad to be alone, too? Or were you asleep, battling demons in your dreams.
Sounds like I will be content with the black hole. It’s pretty funny, actually. Knowing that world went on without you and you did just fine.
